Electric Urges

The truth, restricted by my tongue,
burns behind a white cage of bone.
My bleeding heart is
                                falling
                                         to my stomach
                        throws
as it churns and            my love out as vomit.

My chest now rages with desire
hearing the calls of every primitive male's genitalia.
My conscience contradicts every craving
but is consumed by them.

As my sanity escapes little by little
my mumbled moans awake me.
I heard myself speak my father's names
with pleasure?

I disgust myself.

Grey Uncertainty

I saw the wings that carry me
I heard his angelic heart call.
Will harmonious songs play on forever
or will this fractured perfection fall?

These fabrics are no barrier,
wrapped in guilt I lay.
With my skin he tears my dignity
and my devotion bleeds away.

Three kisses scream through the hours.
My heart now refuses to be mine;
it pounds against its bloody wall
and my conscience screams in time.

His glistening face is welcoming
but I deserve his smile no more.
Consumed by unfathomable desire
I feel love for him yet am torn.

No longer am I your faithful lover,
I am but a twisted girl undercover.
This white morning was my destruction
and this black night, my goodbye.

Morning

She steps down
instantly ensnared by the chilling warmth
of the clear sky.
His icy fingertips claw at her delicate skin
scratching until she bleeds.
The stream of blood may warm her.
She is convinced she needs
the pain he brings
although her conscience screams to her,
'Resist!'

Personal Jesus

In silence
the gentle footsteps draw near.
He is pure.

A strong light,
escorted through my darkest doorways,
painfully illuminates the there hidden sins.
Thou shalt worship only he.

Instantaneously, his image
engraves itself upon my mind.
Forgiven,
my past forgotten
for I have been reborn.

I see myself,
my reflection hath been rekindled.
All my divine doubts
demolished, displaced by thy desires.

I stand.
Our souls touch
as my saviour
lends thou himself,
in each way I request,
in silence.

My love alight
as strong as his?
I rest thy faith at his gentle footsteps.
I shalt not be unfaithful.

When I am to be liberated
from this god-forsaken ground,
I shall be content;
I hath felt his love
and I hath lived for Him.

Blindfolded

She trusts
in his mistakes,
Mistakes
that she alone
descries.

Holler!
In her head
she is screaming
to him.

yet he sees no fault.

Misinterpretations
manifest themselves
into constant anguish...
hand in hand
hear her vexation.

still he sees no fault.

The hidden rationale;

shouldered!

She conceals her tired moans

in resplendent rhymes

ripped from reverie.

And he sees no fault,

until her secrets spill

unto his page.

His heart falters

as he contemplates assault.

Red-Handed

Crashes echo, echo

Echo through the whitened wood.

the intrusion

Crashes through my veins.

Thump, thump...

Salty sweat, seeping

From exhertion,

Swims over goosebumps.

I shiver.

Hands panic!

In search of the blue covers.

Taking cover has exposed us.

Reactionless expressions

Conceal mortification and disgrace

From both parties.

Our worlds hold together

As she questions us, simply

On tonight's dinner.

Prophecised

Blonde,
blackened by mire and filth.
Sodden,
leaves the thieving water trailing,
cascading with breathing teardrops.
She weeps as she rises
and takes her place upon the rooftops.

Dust,
descends on purest white,

dreamed dress

wraps her ankles as she kills,

and here their underworld chokes.

In passing, a new boy

innocently appearing with malicious hopes.

Transparent

Darkness tastes
your lips graze mine
perfectly.
My thoughts wander
to you and back
as your sharp hands hold
my effete, ethereal back
and leave a bloody, beautiful trail
pouring, perfectly.

I Am Nearing Death?

I should see spots,
black spots,
that are not there.
But I feel it, they are not there.

Inside my mind,
a war of sobriety and sense,
of reality and distorted views
is raging,
I am burning,
inside...no.
Help, my dear.

My eyes lose themselves
 in my sockets,
look unto the black of my mind.
They are blinded.

A chest of pain,
screams shrieking,
only me, only me.
Help me breathe?

Out Of Sorts

Burning, feel it.
Notice and proclaim!
A question,
denied...
I know, yet I am confounded.
Earth not swirling,
feel it should,
I now am ungrounded.

Pause, hold it.
Remain silent but she spoke!
Invisible voices.
I am no longer here.
I hear myself echoed
as I return,
it was repeated
in my own.

Study This

An art,
a murder
a vicious bite. Paint me
blue,
black and blue.
Spilled on the floor,
the right angle?
Still on the floor,
lifeless.

Untitled

I should not.
I couldn't.
I am young, far too.
They don't understand this,
get this.
Do I?
Unsure, comprehend me!
Please?
I beg, I beg, I beg!
Nonsense.
But this means something,
it means everything.
My little creations
are my everything.
Define me!
This is no talent,
you read things that do not exist.
I missed it.

Intoxicating Intimacy

Wrap your teeth around me,
speak
again. My name,
I hear it,
I hear you.
Everyone hears me.
Our hands move,
glide through,
over, under, in, out.
I feel it,
I feel you.
Nobody feels me.
Wrap your smoke around me,
breathe
again.
My name,
condescending,
this is wrong.
I hear it,
I hear you.
I ignore it, I take it in
but not again.

Photo Albums

Moments caught,

of memories we lost.

Look at 'me' there,

idle,

child.

Books filled up,

of days we forgot.

Our lives have changed,

drifted,

grown.

I try, so hard

I know the film.

He filmed. I remember!

Don't I? I don't, no.

Vague shadows of memories,

inspired by the camera.

This will suffice.

Eleven Months

Drunken stumble,
"Hello, and welcome."
Summer moon shone
as we fell to the grass.

Stranger,
I like you.
I laugh and I gasp.
I now know the history
I understand.

Summer walk
led me to you.
You spoke,
my eyes opened, eyebrows raised
You spoke!

The rain dripped down,
disagreement.
It was right,
you swayed me round to your side.
Now I stand there.

Resurfacing

Childhood returning,
memories I thought had faded.
Take a chance,
forget this life
and move on.
I tried that,
I failed.
Heighten the pain?
Come on!
Spit at me again!
Say those dirty names again!
Stab me where it hurts the most,
say I'm worthless.

She is beautiful and she is great.
Always, I came in second place.
She got gold and I got silver,
she got her favourites, now what's left over?
Yes I'll take it, make it mine,
I'll take what I can.

Each little compliment
leaves me speechless and stunned,
I cannot believe it.
Am I not the hideous wreck
 those girls and boys saw?
Am I not the waste of space,
the extra, those children fought?
Take me last,
again and again.
Stare at me,
feel overpowering regret,
wash through you.
Please,
give me that comfort.

Burning Rage

Nine, nine, nine!

Are all words lost?

They're out.

I'm not.

Glowing embers of anger

growing in my heart,

impossibly not sparked,

they're not out.

They come out,

burst!

I kick and punch.

Fight against the urge,

I fight against you.

My love, are you hurt?

We are,

bruised and battered.

I pull at you, you pull at me,

laugh and scream.

Saliva running like tears from my eyes.

He's down, I'd take him.

Stop if he cried,

heartless soul,

"I'd carry on."

Teach him a lesson...

No, you are in the wrong.

I Honestly Have

Is this cruel then?

You, aimed at you.

You know who you are?

Ha!

I know myself,

now, I know myself.

Tears fell plenty,

let me leave that behind.

So young a poisoned mind

by the people they've become.

I am done.

I smile as I pass,

I laugh at their 'hurtful' words.

I am content,

now, I am content.

See what you see,

read what you read.

You may not trust this,

but I know its truth.

That will do.

Don't cry, my pretty,

you can't be hurt over this.

I don't deserve even your pity because

I am strong enough.

This is nothing,

not so subtle nothing,

look at what you did!

I still cry over that,

almost died over that,

and yet remained loyal at your side.

Dear, you can't see my rotting insides.

So don't you dare judge.

Defined By My Birth

Captured.
First free breath, stolen
Captured.
Flash, we got you,
and oh! aren't you cute?
Little fighter,
survivor. A wonder
they did it.
No more tears for daddy!
Now hand her that teddy,
the fear is gone.
Now wouldn't that hurt?
She isn't gone,
celebrate,
but breathe,
and we can watch her heart beat
next year, next year.
Oh! How we love having you here.
But see, you are weak.
No, really you are.
You say you don't feel it?
Well, little baby, tough sh*t,
we're right. Now restrict her.
Yes.
Promise you'll worry too much?
Can't go there, can't do that.
Trust us.


Frustration makes them correct
now I trust them once again,
let me live.
I see your coat, you hold my medicine
Oh! Don't you look important?
I see the charts,
sure it makes sense,
it knows my condition
better than me,
and I can feel it.
Explain that, mister, please?
How often do I take these?
I see, I see, no thank you.
I need, I need, to get through
on my own.
From my first living breath
relied on someone else.
A change of heart,
and now I feel
I'm standing, just me, standing.
Pushing through, surviving.

We Got Our Wires Crossed

It's time,
unravel and deny my ending.
Send my current through to me.
Black intrigue,
and silent speech.
A wondrous skill,
light up our world,
so much more
lying tangled, crossed
leaning on my floor.
Here I sit,
I face them
I touch them,
and I shall never comprehend.
So much travels in them,
so small,
like our thoughts,
pulses,
shoot along,
spark, flash, gone.

Vague Success

Straighten back
and arms,
legs bent.
I can do this.
Crashing over my body,
I feel it.
Pleasant.
Soothing warmth.
The air seems chill,
heartless and foul.
I can do this.
Swirls round my chest,
I feel it.
Unpleasant.
Save me, engulf me...
No, I can do this.
Soft comfort
entices me,
I step teased,
leave my trail
in the steam filled walls.
I can do this.
Wraps around me,
is this better?
Let it fall,
yes it was.
I can do this.
Slip in, feels odd,
unnatural, out of sorts.
I adjust,
I turn the lock.
Can I do this?

First Thing I Saw

Cold, falling
down my face.
Soak it up,
take it in.
Hanging, misconstrued mess;
tangled, knots of hope.
Yes, doubt my sense.
I see,
shades and colours.
Corner of my eye catches...
Uncomfortable
but right.
Roots show,
mine don't,
unless you dig deep in the soil
that I have fenced with barbed wire.
He got under.
She got under my skin
and I'm tearing my surface,
ripping my cover.
She is leaving me
and I will recover.

Wake Up Earlier

Silence impaired,

a silent ringing

I hear

inside.

Glossy black exterior 

with a face as pale as my love.

Time is passing,

count the seconds,

hours, minutes,

with clean protected hands.

A pretty sight,

sure,

but can we trust it?

Standing, shadowing its own reflection

in the music.

Cartoon Conversations

Unbalanced, broken aspects of a face
See the way it does not fit.
They move, they shouldn't,
unless this is not real.
She agreed with this.
Engrossed and proud,
he can't pull his eyes away.
I can, I glance to his face.
Relieved.
He likes this, I know him.
Such words, big words, big questions.
Answers? Debatable.
Distracted by appearance,
like in life.
Did they mean that?
I drift in and out of concentration.
I've thought this before,
I've saw this before.
Puppets.
He gets it.
Shout from your car,
I have goosebumps and grins.
Turn off the light...
Can you?
Try, try, try, again?
I laugh as he flies away.

Buried

She walks
paths she has tread a thousand times.
Not quite, understand?
Yes, no, does it matter?

She sleeps
in houses that are not hers, a thousand nights.
Not quite, remember?
Yes, no, her clothes are black.

Matted hair, dirty skin,
scratches lie
on the surface and within.
See those bruises?
They don't compare
to the ones written in her heart
that she feels, even hears,
screaming in her sleep.

She awakes
in a warm bed that wraps his arms round her.
But he doesn't.
It doesn't matter, she understands?
Yes, no, she forgets.

She cries
tears she is convinced are from joy.
But they're not, understand?
Yes, no, neither do I.

Stop All Apologies

Sobriety's round the corner,
you just can't look up yet.
I'll hold you, keep you safe.
Are you warm?
Let it spill, sleep.
Close those eyelids, don't spin,
I'm spinning. See
my hands reach out,
I've got you now, hush.
Tonight it's dark,
inside and out.

Thoughts Flowing

A sky,
split in two;
one, half as beautiful as you,
contrasting to the cold, dull clouds
above me.
Hold on,
my page just lit up,
now dark again.
I see raindrops
and sun.
Hear me, see me,
I'm waiting.
They laugh, I shrug,
out bursts the sun.
I'm freezing.
This damp grass
is drying, is living.
I'm dying, I'm living, loving.
See the leaves falling,
I remain.

Whether Inspired Or Not

Blow away perceptions,
his flaws are not imperfections.
Shine the light, illuminate, wonders
that even He could not create.

I fill in shadows,
my ink runs.
Capture the light,
right, write...
But I miss the life, the thoughts
enclosed within, those sapphire eyes
behind a translucent grey glass cage.
I'm breathless.

Speechless Reply

You spoke the words I dreamt,
astounded,
you meant them?
Prompted accidentally,
astounded still.
Unintentional doubt above.
You meant them.
My dear, my darling
did you laugh?
Let's keep it going, your sweet words.
Yes, I love you.

Just Words And Not Enough

I am not as big a disappointment
as you believe,
because I am not as great
as you expect me to be.
You miss my determination,
my commitment
but trust it's there!
Can you trust me?
You can't, but you do
then you can, when you shouldn't.
You say how proud you are
but don't I always let you down?
I am not who you want,
I am only hiding, behind an act,
an act that is slipping.
It has been played for too long,
and is now fading.
I am shining through
in all my glory.
It is not what you want to see,
and I am sorry.

Godlike Wonder

Smooth, like silk.
My eyes glide down
with my fingertips.
White, flawless.
My lips hold on
as my eyes close.

Follow the lines,
even without sight
I see you.
A spot of unlikeness,
and your chest
is more,
indescribably handsome.

Memorised

I stare

to fading blue eyes.

I remember.

I trace

shadows on your face.

I remember.

I know

each crease on your lips.

I remember,

you are beautiful.

Hours Pass

The words I whispered,
I meant,
every single thing I said.
Believe me.

I need you.
Could not live
without you again,
longing for every inch of your perfection.
Brush me, under me...
You are in my heart,
you hold it.

All Over The Place

Unfulfilled urge.                                           So close to uttering

Wash your mind,                                          fearful words.

wash my hands.                                           Do you feel it? Can you feel it?

                                                                   I think it, it, it, it, it

Simple gaps and words unspoken,                 falls with dirty tears

read between the lines I choke on.               spoiled by thoughts.

Nothing is there, far too subtle.                   Beautiful choice,

Your eyes, unheard of.                                 and now she's lost.

Your eyes, thoughtful.

Unfulfilled urge.
Wash your mouth,
spit it out,
I'll smile.

Imaginary words unspoken,
your tongue is held and lips bit down on.
Nothing is there, I keep dreaming,
your love is unheard of.

Flow Of Ink

Clawing
for inspiration.
You come to mind.
Again?
Lack of rhythm, is there anything?
Wait, stall, pause,
I'm empty.

Pretty Pretence

Off-white
lines cut through the shadows that they're
covered by.

No scent,
fragrance, sweet and soft, was never there.
Missing.

Sharp curves
falling down, shooting, striking red.
Growing.

Over and over,
one more, one more, wilting as they age.
Try again.

We Have No Answers

Love. To be continued...
Interpreted differently or just experienced differently?
Or imagined 'til the end?
Does it end?
Do we love eternally?
Or do we never love, love being an invention,
a perfection,
an ideal, for what we think we feel.

Replaced

My eyes, stinging from either exhaustion
or restriction of my tears.
Last night I dreamt of you returning after fifteen painful years.
Though when I look to your perfect face
I see something I cannot belong with,
my mind whispers you should not smile without me
and beside beautiful Elizabeth.

Her long, dark, chocolate hair, her striking eyes and tender touch...
How couldn't you fall in love with her?
An ideal match, hands fit when clasped.
You took her everything, and it meant more to you than mine.
You held onto hers, like the way you hold onto her.

The Secret's Out

Next-door she lies, awake tonight?
This morning, breathe it in and scream it out,
quiet now.
Directions whispered
to each other,
I'll guide your talents
until I swallow down my guilt.
She stares at me, suspicion grows,
then he speaks and I'm sure she knows.
Hurt or unscathed? Will she ever look our way again?
Insignificant consequence compared to our gain.

Idealistic

Spinning close to your chest in darkness,
moving eloquently along with the silence

that our eyes scream.

Smile and shift your eyes astray,

momentarily shy.

A face so handsome and so astounding before me

steals any sense and reason.

Daydream Sleep

Take these dreaming words I mutter, and dance with me tonight.
See the stars we can never reach, I feel our heartbeats and I lose count.
Fresh twilight air, a blue, illusive breeze,
blows through your hair and into me.
You leant down, upon one knee,
and asked me for my hand and,
I never thought I'd want to hear, the question I imagined.

Unable To Let Go

The fragrance resting on you, and on everything you touch
is my favourite narcotic, of which I can never breathe enough.

Fingers glide over velvet skin to lips that steal my breathing.
Entered dangerous territory, where I left my lone heart beating.

Twice tonight I spoke words we dread, and you spoke words I love.
Standing, staring at mist on the edge, unconvinced that I'm ready to jump.

Retracing Steps

Stronger second time around,
Here we stand, our hands entwined. 
A sweet melody, a wish that I could sing
as we glide with grace, back to our beginning.
Head tilted back, you smile that smile,
that smile sparks mine, as sparks set the sheets alight,
the sheets that we hide under, pulled off,
lights on,
curse again amongst pleasure
until an ending, undesired.

Falling With More Time To Feel It

Am I dreaming? Am I a dream?
Twitching, tingling from this illusion.
A hallucination? No, real.
Striking, heavy, bloodshot eyes burning,
only this moment is real life.

Relapse of memory as I 'awake'.
What happened just slipped out of mind
just slipped back in.
I remember... I think.

Mirror without its reflection, the surrounding existence appears
a blurred background to my life on my right,
with reality illuminated by focus.
These screens separated by an infinitely small pause in space.

Flash of half a moment ahead in time,
a glance at a dimension running alongside.
I trust this, I walk through moving traffic,
to reach the destination
without hesitation, willing and uncontrolled,
unintentional survival.
I saw the future momentarily.

What happened before morning?
Did yesterday exist?
I hurt physically from my restraining euphoria
while I remember being withdrawn from life.
I saw more existence than ever before.

Writing Love

Strained for hours, to sit and write for you,

to rhyme lines full of romantic words.

A passion, incessant, 

elegant magnificence,

a beauty, transparent,

eternally astounding.

A struggle so painful, no words can be bound together

to truly illustrate the way, that my lusting heart stutters

when you smile, when you laugh, when you breathe.

I laugh now, seeing my words lay paradoxically,

since those words paint my love for you, almost impeccably.

Familiar Feeling

We've been clumsily dancing 
through the months.
This imperfect feeling, 
lacks grace and elegance,
But know that with your incandescent smile
you are, to me, perfection, 
and I live for each fleeting glance.

We're Still Blind

A piece of me, a part of you
buried deep, too far for you to reach
and hold, but one day,
in your arms. A day that won't arrive
as death, inflicted, intervenes and takes his chance.
A beautiful chance, but a chance to destroy.
A beautiful creation, hand in hand with destruction
to prevent us falling apart.
Forces an odd strain upon our hearts and,
our minds to tear between us.


Strange, something I never desired,
now desired,
when it should not be, and although desired,
unwanted.

Nerves

Dull lights begin to tremble, strangers talk and fall up.
Aimless and empty, fill me with your words.
A voice undiscovered, still distant and waiting,
hit the right notes that break me free. I'm still sitting in silence, 
listening, eyes closed, imagine playing along
with everyone's game that nobody has won.

A Childhood With Open Eyes

Have you ever seen the moon as bright as I did that night
in the dream that wasn’t dreamt
and the life that was?

And have you ever seen something so terrifying that wasn’t even there
in amongst the trees downhill,
where you’ve never felt so scared?

That man didn’t walk over to you and never said a word.
No, he had no tongue to spit at you with,
no tongue to poison your innocent mind
with rules and regulations that turn us all to stone
and subtle manipulation that turned them into clones.

Let’s push our minds as far as they’ve never been
with the substances that kill us.
Let’s fly in the depths of the unknown
where the hypocrites warn us not to go.

Physics

We sit around just drinkin' our coffee and tea

And we sit around just thinkin' about what we believe.

Does love make us happy or does it destroy us?

And will somebody damn us to hell or will we be saved by someone's 'Jesus'?

She says she can tell, by the tea leaves in her cup

while he says those cards tell him just where we'll all end up.

"We promise, no tricks" and it's proof 'cause it's on film...

So do we now all trust each word, spat out by the doubtful?

I just sit back laughin', at the world we have become

'Cause they sit back believin' the most ridiculous stuff.

In A Land Far Far Away

The idealistic, scenic world that we got lost in was full of blue skies and seas,
and love from our own heaven.
The Jesus we called upon did not arrive, so we created our own mind to worship.
No powerful Christ or God above,
just the neverending surrounding love.
And harmony was the music that your guitar sang,
and unity; the song your angelic voice played.
In this dream of a life that seems perfect
the pretty days will be full of smiles and change.

?

Staring here with a not so empty pen, with a mirror throwing it all right back at me,
into my face and into my heart,
but it makes no difference when I don’t know where to start.

Do I talk about you, or my best friend?
Or do I say how much I’m missing everyone else;
the family that I’ve pushed away,
or the few that I’ve held close?
Nobody seems to see the difference in the way my eyes are closed.
I hold them shut against the world and against our f*cked up heads,
just wishing for once I knew what I should have said,
what I should say,
but what difference would it make when you just turn away?

Opening

Distort your words with heartache,
pervert your head with lies
as I fall apart perfectly, and fall down right at your side.

And 'nothing is impossible'
except revealing the uncut truth.
So lock the covers over us, and I'll keep following you.

A Picture Put In Her Place

Sketchy outlines of a distant girl;
the emotionless eyes stare through me.
Shadows existing do not surface here,
his ink didn't embrace them.
Where do those lines lead?
Not to her smile, the one that hides anything of depth and worth.
But let it smile, let her smile,
while her paper browns and curls
and falls from her perfect reflection.

Nowhere Near Enough

The crucial words that sound so sweet
slip out your bitter lips and fall,
and stay shattered on the bathroom floor beside your empty bottle of alcohol.

Held back to avoid being spoiled by the upshot,
but makes no difference to how you touch her...
just as I'm irretrievably lost to confining blackness.
And we both hear each other's screaming but who knows what the hell for?

Take me, only me and me entirely
or otherwise turn away your back and let me turn mine.
This is a permanent laceration - unnecessary, for this torment should not be mine.

There is no limitation to the extent to which I hate.
In myself I've never found a want to hate so strong,
for every lie you drivel out and each contradicting glance.
Regardless,
in myself I've never found a love this staunch.

UnderCovers

How empty must we be

to be unable to speak of how we feel,

to put a word to the feelings inside and out?

Disorientated by pleasure we don’t want...

but we do.

And it’s her but we pretend otherwise

so that we can pretend to survive

without breathing like we used to,

with each other.

Shy Uprising

As my mind drifts with their smoke

your cigarettes carry me home.

Within ourselves we hide

and behind those sullen eyes

I see genius thoughts of anarchy 

caged behind glass and cigarette smiles.

A Day At School

Stare through translucent shapes
to colourless views of grey.
No personality to shine down smiles,
nothing to provoke emotions of any kind.
Bland, flavourless, bleak and dry,
such an empty, ugly sky.

Shine This Light With Me

A stone-cold sober mind wanders
and wants
stone-cold metal, silver against her devilish kiss.
To breathe in twice
and watch the flame as it alters her desire
makes them smile
with their devilish lips.
Black darkness conceals
the stepping stone to seeing
the world as it is, as it could, as it should be.
Hold her tighter than the fumes of intoxication
and press your devilish lips up against hers,
This wasn't what she waited for.

Us

Smooth hands running along legs that should be running out your door,

but this is what we keep making mistakes for.

Don't fall asleep until I wake you up,

be quiet until we hold ourselves together.

This is perfect but it's the worst move we've made.

Missing you creates a nightmare that only we've shared.

Overpass

Direction straight, sweeping left,

Aim at crossing, misconception.

Overhearing waves’ murmurs to each other.

Nervous, height over ominous water.

Head swirling, smoke spinning, fire lit, breathe in,

Breathe out, don’t slip, focus everything at the bridge.

Stepped onto solid surface while protected,

Accompanied by imbalance that never existed.

‘Thud!’ and our feet hit the greener grass

As we both wander effortlessly back

To our hideous, daily, distant prison

That tries to teach us all of life’s lessons.