Study This

An art,
a murder
a vicious bite. Paint me
blue,
black and blue.
Spilled on the floor,
the right angle?
Still on the floor,
lifeless.

Untitled

I should not.
I couldn't.
I am young, far too.
They don't understand this,
get this.
Do I?
Unsure, comprehend me!
Please?
I beg, I beg, I beg!
Nonsense.
But this means something,
it means everything.
My little creations
are my everything.
Define me!
This is no talent,
you read things that do not exist.
I missed it.

Intoxicating Intimacy

Wrap your teeth around me,
speak
again. My name,
I hear it,
I hear you.
Everyone hears me.
Our hands move,
glide through,
over, under, in, out.
I feel it,
I feel you.
Nobody feels me.
Wrap your smoke around me,
breathe
again.
My name,
condescending,
this is wrong.
I hear it,
I hear you.
I ignore it, I take it in
but not again.

Photo Albums

Moments caught,

of memories we lost.

Look at 'me' there,

idle,

child.

Books filled up,

of days we forgot.

Our lives have changed,

drifted,

grown.

I try, so hard

I know the film.

He filmed. I remember!

Don't I? I don't, no.

Vague shadows of memories,

inspired by the camera.

This will suffice.

Eleven Months

Drunken stumble,
"Hello, and welcome."
Summer moon shone
as we fell to the grass.

Stranger,
I like you.
I laugh and I gasp.
I now know the history
I understand.

Summer walk
led me to you.
You spoke,
my eyes opened, eyebrows raised
You spoke!

The rain dripped down,
disagreement.
It was right,
you swayed me round to your side.
Now I stand there.

Resurfacing

Childhood returning,
memories I thought had faded.
Take a chance,
forget this life
and move on.
I tried that,
I failed.
Heighten the pain?
Come on!
Spit at me again!
Say those dirty names again!
Stab me where it hurts the most,
say I'm worthless.

She is beautiful and she is great.
Always, I came in second place.
She got gold and I got silver,
she got her favourites, now what's left over?
Yes I'll take it, make it mine,
I'll take what I can.

Each little compliment
leaves me speechless and stunned,
I cannot believe it.
Am I not the hideous wreck
 those girls and boys saw?
Am I not the waste of space,
the extra, those children fought?
Take me last,
again and again.
Stare at me,
feel overpowering regret,
wash through you.
Please,
give me that comfort.

Burning Rage

Nine, nine, nine!

Are all words lost?

They're out.

I'm not.

Glowing embers of anger

growing in my heart,

impossibly not sparked,

they're not out.

They come out,

burst!

I kick and punch.

Fight against the urge,

I fight against you.

My love, are you hurt?

We are,

bruised and battered.

I pull at you, you pull at me,

laugh and scream.

Saliva running like tears from my eyes.

He's down, I'd take him.

Stop if he cried,

heartless soul,

"I'd carry on."

Teach him a lesson...

No, you are in the wrong.

I Honestly Have

Is this cruel then?

You, aimed at you.

You know who you are?

Ha!

I know myself,

now, I know myself.

Tears fell plenty,

let me leave that behind.

So young a poisoned mind

by the people they've become.

I am done.

I smile as I pass,

I laugh at their 'hurtful' words.

I am content,

now, I am content.

See what you see,

read what you read.

You may not trust this,

but I know its truth.

That will do.

Don't cry, my pretty,

you can't be hurt over this.

I don't deserve even your pity because

I am strong enough.

This is nothing,

not so subtle nothing,

look at what you did!

I still cry over that,

almost died over that,

and yet remained loyal at your side.

Dear, you can't see my rotting insides.

So don't you dare judge.

Defined By My Birth

Captured.
First free breath, stolen
Captured.
Flash, we got you,
and oh! aren't you cute?
Little fighter,
survivor. A wonder
they did it.
No more tears for daddy!
Now hand her that teddy,
the fear is gone.
Now wouldn't that hurt?
She isn't gone,
celebrate,
but breathe,
and we can watch her heart beat
next year, next year.
Oh! How we love having you here.
But see, you are weak.
No, really you are.
You say you don't feel it?
Well, little baby, tough sh*t,
we're right. Now restrict her.
Yes.
Promise you'll worry too much?
Can't go there, can't do that.
Trust us.


Frustration makes them correct
now I trust them once again,
let me live.
I see your coat, you hold my medicine
Oh! Don't you look important?
I see the charts,
sure it makes sense,
it knows my condition
better than me,
and I can feel it.
Explain that, mister, please?
How often do I take these?
I see, I see, no thank you.
I need, I need, to get through
on my own.
From my first living breath
relied on someone else.
A change of heart,
and now I feel
I'm standing, just me, standing.
Pushing through, surviving.

We Got Our Wires Crossed

It's time,
unravel and deny my ending.
Send my current through to me.
Black intrigue,
and silent speech.
A wondrous skill,
light up our world,
so much more
lying tangled, crossed
leaning on my floor.
Here I sit,
I face them
I touch them,
and I shall never comprehend.
So much travels in them,
so small,
like our thoughts,
pulses,
shoot along,
spark, flash, gone.

Vague Success

Straighten back
and arms,
legs bent.
I can do this.
Crashing over my body,
I feel it.
Pleasant.
Soothing warmth.
The air seems chill,
heartless and foul.
I can do this.
Swirls round my chest,
I feel it.
Unpleasant.
Save me, engulf me...
No, I can do this.
Soft comfort
entices me,
I step teased,
leave my trail
in the steam filled walls.
I can do this.
Wraps around me,
is this better?
Let it fall,
yes it was.
I can do this.
Slip in, feels odd,
unnatural, out of sorts.
I adjust,
I turn the lock.
Can I do this?

First Thing I Saw

Cold, falling
down my face.
Soak it up,
take it in.
Hanging, misconstrued mess;
tangled, knots of hope.
Yes, doubt my sense.
I see,
shades and colours.
Corner of my eye catches...
Uncomfortable
but right.
Roots show,
mine don't,
unless you dig deep in the soil
that I have fenced with barbed wire.
He got under.
She got under my skin
and I'm tearing my surface,
ripping my cover.
She is leaving me
and I will recover.

Wake Up Earlier

Silence impaired,

a silent ringing

I hear

inside.

Glossy black exterior 

with a face as pale as my love.

Time is passing,

count the seconds,

hours, minutes,

with clean protected hands.

A pretty sight,

sure,

but can we trust it?

Standing, shadowing its own reflection

in the music.

Cartoon Conversations

Unbalanced, broken aspects of a face
See the way it does not fit.
They move, they shouldn't,
unless this is not real.
She agreed with this.
Engrossed and proud,
he can't pull his eyes away.
I can, I glance to his face.
Relieved.
He likes this, I know him.
Such words, big words, big questions.
Answers? Debatable.
Distracted by appearance,
like in life.
Did they mean that?
I drift in and out of concentration.
I've thought this before,
I've saw this before.
Puppets.
He gets it.
Shout from your car,
I have goosebumps and grins.
Turn off the light...
Can you?
Try, try, try, again?
I laugh as he flies away.

Buried

She walks
paths she has tread a thousand times.
Not quite, understand?
Yes, no, does it matter?

She sleeps
in houses that are not hers, a thousand nights.
Not quite, remember?
Yes, no, her clothes are black.

Matted hair, dirty skin,
scratches lie
on the surface and within.
See those bruises?
They don't compare
to the ones written in her heart
that she feels, even hears,
screaming in her sleep.

She awakes
in a warm bed that wraps his arms round her.
But he doesn't.
It doesn't matter, she understands?
Yes, no, she forgets.

She cries
tears she is convinced are from joy.
But they're not, understand?
Yes, no, neither do I.

Stop All Apologies

Sobriety's round the corner,
you just can't look up yet.
I'll hold you, keep you safe.
Are you warm?
Let it spill, sleep.
Close those eyelids, don't spin,
I'm spinning. See
my hands reach out,
I've got you now, hush.
Tonight it's dark,
inside and out.

Thoughts Flowing

A sky,
split in two;
one, half as beautiful as you,
contrasting to the cold, dull clouds
above me.
Hold on,
my page just lit up,
now dark again.
I see raindrops
and sun.
Hear me, see me,
I'm waiting.
They laugh, I shrug,
out bursts the sun.
I'm freezing.
This damp grass
is drying, is living.
I'm dying, I'm living, loving.
See the leaves falling,
I remain.

Whether Inspired Or Not

Blow away perceptions,
his flaws are not imperfections.
Shine the light, illuminate, wonders
that even He could not create.

I fill in shadows,
my ink runs.
Capture the light,
right, write...
But I miss the life, the thoughts
enclosed within, those sapphire eyes
behind a translucent grey glass cage.
I'm breathless.

Speechless Reply

You spoke the words I dreamt,
astounded,
you meant them?
Prompted accidentally,
astounded still.
Unintentional doubt above.
You meant them.
My dear, my darling
did you laugh?
Let's keep it going, your sweet words.
Yes, I love you.

Just Words And Not Enough

I am not as big a disappointment
as you believe,
because I am not as great
as you expect me to be.
You miss my determination,
my commitment
but trust it's there!
Can you trust me?
You can't, but you do
then you can, when you shouldn't.
You say how proud you are
but don't I always let you down?
I am not who you want,
I am only hiding, behind an act,
an act that is slipping.
It has been played for too long,
and is now fading.
I am shining through
in all my glory.
It is not what you want to see,
and I am sorry.

Godlike Wonder

Smooth, like silk.
My eyes glide down
with my fingertips.
White, flawless.
My lips hold on
as my eyes close.

Follow the lines,
even without sight
I see you.
A spot of unlikeness,
and your chest
is more,
indescribably handsome.

Memorised

I stare

to fading blue eyes.

I remember.

I trace

shadows on your face.

I remember.

I know

each crease on your lips.

I remember,

you are beautiful.

Hours Pass

The words I whispered,
I meant,
every single thing I said.
Believe me.

I need you.
Could not live
without you again,
longing for every inch of your perfection.
Brush me, under me...
You are in my heart,
you hold it.

All Over The Place

Unfulfilled urge.                                           So close to uttering

Wash your mind,                                          fearful words.

wash my hands.                                           Do you feel it? Can you feel it?

                                                                   I think it, it, it, it, it

Simple gaps and words unspoken,                 falls with dirty tears

read between the lines I choke on.               spoiled by thoughts.

Nothing is there, far too subtle.                   Beautiful choice,

Your eyes, unheard of.                                 and now she's lost.

Your eyes, thoughtful.

Unfulfilled urge.
Wash your mouth,
spit it out,
I'll smile.

Imaginary words unspoken,
your tongue is held and lips bit down on.
Nothing is there, I keep dreaming,
your love is unheard of.

Flow Of Ink

Clawing
for inspiration.
You come to mind.
Again?
Lack of rhythm, is there anything?
Wait, stall, pause,
I'm empty.

Pretty Pretence

Off-white
lines cut through the shadows that they're
covered by.

No scent,
fragrance, sweet and soft, was never there.
Missing.

Sharp curves
falling down, shooting, striking red.
Growing.

Over and over,
one more, one more, wilting as they age.
Try again.

We Have No Answers

Love. To be continued...
Interpreted differently or just experienced differently?
Or imagined 'til the end?
Does it end?
Do we love eternally?
Or do we never love, love being an invention,
a perfection,
an ideal, for what we think we feel.

Replaced

My eyes, stinging from either exhaustion
or restriction of my tears.
Last night I dreamt of you returning after fifteen painful years.
Though when I look to your perfect face
I see something I cannot belong with,
my mind whispers you should not smile without me
and beside beautiful Elizabeth.

Her long, dark, chocolate hair, her striking eyes and tender touch...
How couldn't you fall in love with her?
An ideal match, hands fit when clasped.
You took her everything, and it meant more to you than mine.
You held onto hers, like the way you hold onto her.